Posted by Only_The_Lonely on June 09, 2008 at 14:28:43:
Hello,
everyone.
I know it's been a very long time (since last December,
in fact) since I last
posted.
Much has happened since that last post.
For one thing: I did attempt suicide,
two days after Christmas.
The pain was too much to
bear: the financial thing was crushing me inside,
and I couldn't take it anymore.
Even God
seemed silent,
even after shedding many tears (more than a bottle--it's more like one of
those huge gallon spring water containers!).
Anyway: I wrote notes to my family,
and
bequeathed various things to selected friends.
I took off without telling anyone.
Except
that I left a mass email to my online friends,
that included my sister and brother-in-law's
phone number.
More on that in a bit.
I ended up driving out to a farm field in Western New York State,
and found a patch of
woods off the road.
I dragged a sleeping bag,
some blankets and a bag of pain pills with
a sleep ingredient in them (about 15-20).
I lay down under the blankets in the woods,
and swallowed the pills,
and waited for the end to come.
And waited.
And waited.
All
that was happening was: I got colder,
and I started shivering uncontrollably! After nearly
two hours of waiting for these pills to do their thing,
I sat up and thought: "I can't do
anything right--I can't even freakin' kill myself!!" So,
I got up,
packed up the stuff and
slid back to the car (there was snow in the field).
I sat behind the wheel and cried and
cried.
After some minutes,
I decided I'd head back home.
By now,
it was getting dark.
And as I
drove,
I noticed I was feeling disoriented--especially after I got out of the car at a
restaurant,
to use the facilities.
While walking,
I noticed I was stumbling a bit,
but I
attributed it to being tired.
Sure I was tired: the pills were FINALLY taking effect!!!! I got
back in the car,
and drove a bit further.
But the disorientation got worse,
and it dawned
on me: I was going to die! THEN I panicked: I started crying and screaming for God to
help me; I even pulled over to the side of the road,
and got out--and my balance was
REALLY off,
and I nearly fell.
I got back in the car and drove slowly (not wanting to cross
into the opposite lane and kill someone else),
until I found a gas station and convenience
store.
When I pulled in and got out of the car,
I pretty much collapsed in tears in the store.
The
staff members gathered round me,
and asked what was wrong.
By now,
my speech was
getting slurred,
but I managed to tell them what I'd done.
I sat down sobbing,
and then
the manager called the local sheriff's department and told them what was going on.
When
they came,
they called an ambulance,
to take me to the local hospital's ER.
The EMTs
started asking me all kinds of questions,
just to keep me conscious,
as they looked for
some ID on me.
Now,
the mass email I'd sent earlier set off a 'call to action' amongst my friends.
One
friend in Maine (who was a police officer) first saw it,
and contacted my city's police
department.
In turn,
my sister and brother-in-law were contacted,
and while the police
went searching for me,
so did my sister (my brother-in-law manned the email and the
home phone.
My friends sent emails amongst themselves,
asking if anyone had seen me,
or if I might be headed their way (in some cases).
My brother-in-law told me later that a
new friend in London,
England,
called to say he was worried!
Eventually,
the sheriff's department found my sister and brother-in-law,
and told them
what hospital I was in.
And they found me in the ER (thankfully,
my stomach did not
need to be pumped: several IVs flushed the stuff out of my system),
and my sister was in
tears.
She ended up staying the night in the ER with me,
and my brother-in-law drove
my car home.
I stayed in the ER just overnight,
and was then transferred to a private psychiatric clinic
nearby.
Believe me when I say I did NOT want to go there: I screamed and cried and
carried on loudly,
saying I wanted to go home! But as it turned out,
it was the best thing
that could have been done.
I stayed at this clinic eleven days,
where I was diagnosed with
major depression,
and prescribed medication to even out the moods and emotions I was
feeling.
That took some getting used-to.
But the staff at the clinic was wonderful,
and I
met people who had much more serious emotional and mental issues than I.
I was discharged in early January,
and came home.
After that,
the REAL odyssey began:
applying for Medicaid (to pay those bills!),
and public assistance.
To make a long story
short: I never thought it would take so long,
or be so aggravating!! In the end,
I had to
give up my apartment of nearly 15 years (my landlord couldn't take my uncertain
finances),
and am now living temporarily with my sister and brother-in-law.
And due to
the stress the finances (and other things) were causing,
I had two relapses which caused
further hospitalization.
But I continued on the medication,
and ended up getting a really
good therapist at a local psychiatric center.
And I now go to a women's-only therapy
group at the same facility.
I would like to say that there is no shame in taking medication,
or undergoing therapy,
for
depression (in spite of what some Christians think,
it is NOT evidence of either demon-
possession,
or a lack of faith).
If anything,
this entire experience showed me the
steadfastness of many of my friends,
and the patience of my poor sister and brother-in-
law.
I don't know how any of them put up with me! And looking back on that scream for
help,
I do believe that God,
in some strange way,
did answer.
Even if it was to put me in a
psychiatric clinic for awhile.
This whole experience makes me think of the people of Israel coming out of Egypt,
and all
the things they endured.
And sometimes,
I've felt like I've taken too many laps out in that
wilderness! And i still have a long way to go (finding a new job,
and getting a new place
to live,
so I'm not imposing anymore on my sister and brother-in-law).
But if I take it a
step at a time,
and not get frustrated with that process,
I am hoping to be back on my feet
soon.
Again,
I apologize for the length of this post.
But I wanted you to know what happened.
Thank you for your prayers.
And please forgive me if I haven't said that often in the past.
And I hope this story can help someone else,
who might be struggling with issues of self-
worth,
or depression,
in the church.
Please know,
you're not alone.
OTL